Interviewer: Many guys don’t have approach anxiety as much as they do “conversation anxiety.” What do you do or say to keep the conversation going once you get past the introduction?
Dean Cortez: Well, I teach a ton of material on conversation, and I call it conversation control because really what you want to do is you want to guide the interaction. You want to lead her down the path that you wanted her to go down, okay? This means not answering her questions directly instead deflect them playfully. When she asks you what you do for a living, don’t give her a direct answer. You want to deflect it in a playful way and then guide the spotlight back onto her. Get her to keep revealing things about herself. Now, you want to do this in a really creative and original way, which is why I use techniques like cold reads and hypotheticals. So I do not have space here to go into all of these techniques.
But really you’ve got to learn some tactics. And when you have some tactics in your arsenal and you use them before and you know they work, you will never going to have those awkward silences and you will never going to find yourself being interviewed and having her to ask the questions and you’re in the position of trying to give the right answers.
Interviewer: How do you keep the conversation from becoming boring small talk?
Dean Cortez: Well, I’ll share a really one important tactic you can always use to avoid boring small talk and inject some energy into the conversation, and all you really have to do is take any question that you would normally ask a girl about herself and flip it. Turn it into a statement, okay? Make a statement about her. So in other words, instead of asking the girl ‘so what do you do for a living’, you would say to her, “You know, Samantha, I can tell by talking to you, you’re probably all about work during the week and you’re a pretty serious person, pretty focused, but on the weekends, you definitely have a wild spontaneous side that comes out, am I right?” So now, instead of talking with her about her job, which is probably not that exciting and probably isn’t why she came out tonight to discuss her work, you’re phrasing it in a way that gets you the same information because she’ll tell you what she does in the course of her answer, but you’re talking about spontaneity and having fun on the weekends and you’re giving this whole subject a really fresh spin.
So as a rule of thumb, don’t ask her standard questions, instead make statements about and get her to agree. Most girls, if they have a job during the week, they would agree with that statement, yes, they work hard, yes, they’re focused, yes, they have ambitions and goals for themselves, but they also have a fun, wild and spontaneous side. Remember earlier what I said about labeling girls. You label her as the girl who is wild and spontaneous when she goes out and she’ll probably want to act in that manner with you.
Interviewer: After the approach and initial conversation, when there’s a lull or awkward moment and you can tell her interest is drifting (the “oh man I am losing her feeling”), how do you get the attraction “back on track?”
Dean Cortez: If I sense that her attention is starting to drift and I want to lock her attention back on me and on the conversation, I’ll often use a cold read. I’ll say to her, “You know, Lisa, I have to admit, I had the wrong idea about you at first. I had you all wrong, you know?” And then she’ll naturally say, “Oh, what do you mean?” And I’ll say, “Well, I’m sure a lot of guys think that because of the way you look, you know that you’re very standoffish and maybe a little bit cold. But I can tell by talking to you, you’re actually a lot funnier and probably a lot more sensitive than most guys realize.” And women almost always agree with this, especially beautiful women who are sick and tired of only being judged on their looks. When you compliment them on things like being funny or being sensitive or being intuitive about people, beautiful women love these kinds of compliments. They’re not used to hearing them.
Another good one is saying to the girl, “You know, Samantha, I can tell something is weighing on your mind right now. Is it that you came out tonight with your friends to have fun and kind of forget about something that’s going right on right now? You’re on the verge of an important decision, am I right?” Now, 9 times out 10 the woman will agree because they all think at one time or another that they are on the verge of some big decision they needed to make. It could be a small decision to you, but to her it’s on her mind. So again, it’s a cold read that will almost always works and it will lock her attention back on the conversation and she’ll think to herself, “Man, this guy is like so perceptive. He seems to really understand me.”
I have tons of examples of cold reads, but you see the idea here, the basic idea is that instead of trying to push the conversation forward with more boring small-talk questions, you’re taking an original approach and these cold reads with women are so effective
16 Interviewer: How do you know when it’s just not going anywhere and it’s time to eject?
Dean Cortez: If the girl is completely ignoring you and her body language is totally closed off and you’re not making any headway, don’t get pissed off, don’t get flustered and never lose your cool. Just say to yourself, “You know what? This girl is boring and I’m out tonight to have fun.” So politely excuse yourself and go on your way.
Interviewer: On the flipside? How do you know when it’s working and time to take it to the next level?
Dean Cortez: Women will often give off signals that they’re into you and attracted to you. It’s reflected in their body language, so watch for subtle cues like she uses her tongue to wet her lips. She puts her fingernail between her teeth. She might protrude her lips and thrust her breasts forward a little bit, swing it out for cleavage, and she’s doing this subconsciously but it’s sort of a mating signal that women will give out. She might gaze into your eyes with deep interest and you see her pupils are starting to dilate. She might raise both of her eyebrows for a couple of seconds and then she might come on with a smile or some eye contact. If she winks at you, it’s a big signal there. While talking to you, she might blink more than usual, fluttering her eyelashes and also watch for hair signals.
She might push her fingers through her hair, stroke her hair. She might twirl her hair around her finger while she’s talking to you. She might throw her hair back off her shoulders. Again, women know that their hair is a very attractive physical characteristic oftentimes, and so when they’re showing off their hair to you, again, it is a subconscious way of them signaling to you they are attracted. Also, if she goes to the bathroom and comes back and you can tell she has touched up her make-up, put on some lipstick, another big signal.
And when she’s talking to you, there are obvious signs of attraction that go on like if she playfully punch your arm. If she initiates any body contact at all, that’s usually a very good sign as long as she’s not slapping you. But look for the deeper signals and the smaller cues as far as her touching herself, like rubbing her wrist, rubbing her chin or cheek. And another big one is that women will oftentimes do is smooth over their outfit. They will like fix what they’re wearing or pat it down to smooth it out. Another signal that she is trying to fix herself up to be attractive to you, so read those signals.
Interviewer: How do you generate a sexual tone and tension into your conversations without sounding creepy?
Dean Cortez: One of the biggest mistakes guys make with women is that they never inject a sexual tone into the conversation. They try to stay neutral the whole time. They don’t want to risk blowing it. They don’t want to seem too aggressive or too forward. But most of all, they don’t want to get rejected, so they just keep trying to play it safe and talking about boring standard topics of conversation. Now, at some point in this conversation, you’ve got to let it be known that you’re a man and she’s a hot chick and there is some sexual energy going on here. So in other words, don’t be afraid to flirt.
All the guys that I know who are super successful with women are huge flirts. They don’t stand there asking questions for ten minutes, what’s your name, where are you from, blah, blah. In fact, they don’t ask any of these questions at all. No, these guys, these naturals, you watch them talking to women and right off the bat they’re establishing a really flirty tone. They’re smiling. They’re getting her to laugh. They’re establishing subtle body contact, touching her in subtle-like ways, and also, of course, teasing her. Qualifying her and saying things that indicate that she’s not your type or you’re not so sure about her or that maybe she’s trouble. That she’s going to have to work to show you why she deserves to be in this interaction with you. So I might say to the girl, “You know, it’s too bad you and I would never get along. I mean, you are way too similar to this girl I used to date and she was total trouble, but on the other hand, she was a lot of fun. So does that describe you?” Or I might say to her, “You know, you and me are way too similar. We both are like really head strong and really independent, and if we were ever in a serious relationship, it would be just be constant drama. But on the other hand, the make-up sex would be unbelievable, don’t you think?”
So anyway, I’m injecting a flirty sexual tone into the conversation, not immediately, but once I’ve captured her interest and we’re sharing on some topics, then I’ll introduce this kind of talk into the conversation. Women have a lot of fun with this and they respect it because now they understand the deal. You’re not trying to conceal the fact that you’re into her sexually, which most guys do and the woman tunes out and loses interest.
Interviewer: How do you know whether to ask her back to your place or to just get her phone number and ask her out?
Dean Cortez: Well, this really comes down to one word – logistics. You’ve got to find out certain things about her situation tonight before you try to get her back to your place, like who did she come with and what are her plans for tomorrow. If she mentions she’s got to work at 8 AM, obviously, with same-night lay, it’s probably not in the cards tonight and getting her number is a better bet. But if the logistics line up, by all means, try to get her back to your place because the thing is a lot of guys could get the same-night lay, but they don’t push for it. They play it safe. They get the phone number and you know what? They never end up seeing her again because the next day or whenever he text her or calls her, she’s in a totally different mindset than she was at that moment where he met her, especially if it was in like a bar or a night club or a party where she’s in a very sexually spontaneous, perhaps, mindset where she’s ready to go with a guy.
But I usually don’t try to get her back to my place right from that first location where I meet her. The trick here is to get to multiple venues to get her to roll with you to some other spot and then hopefully a third spot, whether it’s a late-night after hours bar or whether it’s to get some food in all-night diner. Visiting multiple locations in the same night with that girl is going to sort of trick her with her senses. She’s going to feel like she has known you for a lot longer than she actually has whereas if you meet her at a bar and then 40 minutes later, you’re like, “Let’s go back to my place.” That’s setting up red flags in her mind because you’re this guy she just met at a bar. It doesn’t sound very good. But if you bring her out for a couple of hours and have drinks in several locations, it’s going to feel a lot more natural when you suggest the next step, which is going back to your place to do something or to show her something. You’ve got to have a cloaking motive, a reason why going back to your place is a good idea. It could be a video you want to show her. You might want to play her a song on your guitar. You might want to show her some pictures from one of your trips. You might want to loan her a book. Have a reason, that’s crucial as well.
But the bottom line is always go for that same-night lay whenever possible and the same-night lay doesn’t mean it needs to be a one-night thing because the difference between one-night stands and same-night lays, a same-night lay can lead to a relationship and it has, for me, in many situations. So go for it whenever you can. Don’t miss opportunities.
Interviewer: What do you do or say to get a woman back to your place?
Dean Cortez: Well, as I said to my last answer, you’ve got to have a cloaking motive. You’ve got to suggest a reason why going back to your place is a good idea. It could be a video you want to show her. You might want to show her one of your photo albums from a trip you went on. You might want to loan her a book or a DVD. There are all kinds of suggestions that you can make and the key here also is to not ask permission and do not ask her if she wants to go back to your place. Lay it out as a plan. Be a leader, so you don’t say, “Well, do you want to go back to my place?” Because now her mind is coming up with reasons to say no to you, right? You want to lay out the plan, “So this place is getting kind of boring. Let’s go back to my place. I want to show you that book I was telling you about,” or whatever the reason may be.
Also, bear in mind here, you’re not trying to fool her or deceive her. I mean, women are women. They’re adults, too. I mean, they know the deal. On going back to your place, certain things are implied and she is well aware of this as you are. But you need to give her a reason, so that in her own mind she can justify it and not feel slutty for going along with it.
Interviewer: Once you are back at your place, what do you do?
Dean Cortez: Well, once we’re back at my place, I do two things. First of all, I immediately get her a drink, usually a glass of wine, and myself one as well. Then I will go into my other room to do something. I’ll tell her, “I need to check my email real quick or something.” I’ll go in the other room and let her spend a few minutes in my living room to sort of acclimating herself to my environment and getting comfortable there.
This is why it is so important to make sure your place is always clean and ready to host a female company and also to have some items out that reflect you and who you are and what you are about. For instance, the pictures on your walls should reflect you in a really positive way with your friends engaging in some activities like hiking or mountain biking or on a boat trip or whatever. Have some cool photos hanging up. Also, have some coffee table books on your table that are about subjects like photography, architecture, fashion, music. Have some cool stuff for her to look at and sort of browse while you are in the other room.
Then when I come back, I’m going to do whatever activity I suggested we do back at my place, which is going to be like oftentimes looking at stuff on my computer, YouTube videos or pictures on my computer, so I will sit at the computer and I’ll have her sit on my lap, building that body contact. Or I’ll pull out my guitar and play guitar, which is a great tool for seduction. I’ll have her sit next to me on the couch. I’ll play my guitar a little bit and then I’ll offer to show her how to play some chords, and I’ll position myself sitting kind of behind her and I’ll reach around her and I will actually help her like fret chords on the guitar, and also, a great way to build body contact. So pretty quickly, I’m moving into that mode where we’re sitting together or making body contact and it’s easy to escalate from there. I mean, usually within ten minutes, oftentimes within five minutes, we’re making out.
I’ve also used video games as a way to use this tactic. I’ll put on an Xbox game or I’ll put on Guitar Hero and it’s awesome. I mean, girls think it’s so much fun to play and I can actually help them with their guitar. I’m moving her to tap the buttons, or I’ll put on an Xbox game and I’ll help her with her controller, helping her tap the right buttons, and it’s another way of building that body contact in a really simple but natural way.
Interviewer: When things are going well, how do you know when it’s time to ask for a girl’s phone number? Do you wait until the end of the night and she has to leave or do you get it early and leave her wanting more?
Dean Cortez: When I meet a girl when I’m out, my goal is not to monopolize her time for the next two hours or until last call. I want to talk to her for about ten minutes and make a really good impression on her. Because in ten minutes, I know I have more than enough material to have a really tight fun and interesting 10-minute conversation. Then I’ll get the phone number from her and her email address, and then I will excuse myself to go and see my friends. You’re flipping it because usually it’s the women who say this, right? The women are the ones who excuse themselves, but no, flip it around, so you’ll be the one to say, “You know what, Cindy? It was so awesome to meet you. I’ve go to go and see some friends, but you have a fun night and I’ll catch up with you later. Oh, by the way, let me get your phone number and you’re email address because there are some really cool parties coming up that I want you to know about.”
Now, of course, if this is at a bar or a club or a party, my intention is going to be to see this girl again before the end of the night and pick up where we left off, but I got that phone number and the email address. I always get both, and if you’re nervous about asking her for her number, just ask her for her email. Everybody has it. You say to the girl, “Do you have email?” It sounds totally non-threatening, right? I mean, everybody has email, of course. So she’ll say, “Oh sure.” You pull out your little pad of paper and pen or you pull out your phone and you say, “Okay, what’s your email address?” And now, as she’s telling you or writing it down, you say to her, “Oh, yeah, tell me your number, too. There are some really cool parties coming up I want to let you know about.” You make it sound like no big deal because it really isn’t.
Interviewer: How do you increase the probability that a girl will return your call or text and not flake on you?
Dean Cortez: I used to always tell guys to call women and not to text them, because calling them demonstrates confidence and also the tone of your voice can be so important in conveying your confidence and your playful personality. But nowadays, I think texting is the way to go because women really prefer it as a form of conversation and a way to make plans, and when you text her, you don’t need to worry about catching her when she’s in the middle of something. Whenever you text her, it is fine. She’ll get back to you when she can, hopefully very soon. Now, the way to get her to reply is to tease her is to be playful and to be a little bit cocky, like I’ll say to the girl something like, “How much do you miss me? Or stop thinking about me.” Or I might text her and say, “Maybe I’m too much of a bad boy for you.” And I’ll always put one of those little smiley emoticons on the end to make her know that I’m just playing with her.
I also like to give women a funny cute nickname during the conversation based on one of her interests or something funny that she says or something dorky that she does. So between the nickname, which is labeling the girl, in a sense, and also, with some teasing and some flirty banter, that’s the way to get her to respond to your text every time. When you start calling her and trying to talk to her and have long conversations, I mean, you’re not really making any forward progress that way. So just remember anytime you use your phone to communicate with girls, it should be for one or two reasons, to tease her and to play with her and to maintain contact or to lock down a plan to see her again. There should be no more of these calling women up at night and trying to have long conversations and exchanging your life stories. No, save all that good stuff for when you see her again in the flesh.
So texting can be a great tool to use, just keep your text really brief. It should always be briefer than hers and you should let her be the one to send the last text in the exchange. You want to just fade out and then pop back in when you start communication with her again. So I became a big fan of texting as long as you’re doing it right because the reality is in this day and age, if you leave a woman a voicemail on her phone, it might never get a reply and she may never even check her messages. I mean, honestly, I can’t even tell you the last time I checked my phone voicemail. People just barely use it anymore.
To get their reply and to keep things moving forward, you want to start texting with her, and then when it’s time to meet her again, you want to lay out a game plan. Lay out a specific game plan. You never want to call the girl or text her and say something really wishy-washy like, “Well, maybe if you’re free sometime, we could hang out.” I mean, that is lame and guys use that all the time.
Just text her and say, “Friday night, awesome new bar that I found. You’re going to love this place, the best Margaritas in the whole city. At 8:00, you’re rolling with me.”
So two rules here, with asking a girl out, so to speak, by texting her or calling her, first of all, make it sound really awesome, like oversell it. Like it has the best margaritas in the whole town, and the DJ is the best you’ve ever heard in your life. Your buddy Mike, the bartender, makes the best drinks in the city. Give her a reason to get excited about it.
The second rule is to make it seem like you already have this activity in motion: you’re going to be there on Friday night with or without her. So your plans don’t revolve around her saying yes. You’re inviting her to come along and jump on board your train and take a fun ride. This is also great because when you phrase it this way, there is no chance of rejection. You’re not saying, “You know, can we go out sometime and can I buy you a dinner.” You’re saying, “I’m going to have some serious fun this weekend. You’re invited to roll with me. What do you say?” So either way, you’re going to live your life and have your fun, and she’ll miss out if she passes upon this chance.
Interviewer: Where do you like to take a girl on a first date or the first time you hang out together?
Dean Cortez: For most guys, taking the girl out on a traditional date, to the movies or buying her dinner is a way for him to try to impress her and the guys are going to spend all of his money and all of his time sitting there with her with her in the power position. He is looking at it as his chance to impress her and to make her think that he is possible boyfriend material for her. Bullshit, okay, it’s not the way to go about it. When you take girls out on expensive dates and spend the money, what you’re doing is you’re loading this whole date with pressures and expectations. I mean, you’re thinking, “Man, I’m spending, you know, $60 on this meal. I better get something for it.” And then she is thinking, “Well, he’s spending all this money on me, what does he expect from me? Does he expect me to put out because I’m a comfortable woman on the first date?”
At any rate, too many expectations are built onto the date. So stop taking women out on traditional dates, instead invite her to come along with you to a cool activity. You want to show her this amazing coffee shop or this art gallery or this photo exhibit or you found this awesome cocktail lounge that has the best DJ and a really cool happy hour and you invite her to come along with you.
It is a chance for you to build comfort with her. It’s a chance for you to share some more things about yourself and to have her share things about herself. Now, second of all, you want every date to involve several venue changes. This is why sitting in a restaurant for three hours is a very bad idea. What you want to do is keep the momentum going, keep some energy going. Meet up with her at a bar for a couple of drinks, then bounce to another spot, and then bounce to a third spot. And then from there, bring her back to your place.
So if you don’t have any off the radar cool date spots in mind right now, I want you to spend some time next weekend finding them. Go out solo or with your friends, hit some spots and identify the locations that you can bring girls to for those first dates.
So have your date spots already lined up, but make sure they are original date spots. It’s not Starbucks and it’s not some restaurant where you’re going to spend $100 and sit in there trying to small talk for 2-1/2 hours. By the way, daytime dates can be great, too, because walking with a girl and bouncing around with her like strolling along the beach or going to like an outdoor festival or an outdoor pedestrian mall where you live, these are great places to bring girls. You’re burning up nervous energy and there are all kinds of ways to build body contact when you’re walking with her from place to place.
Interviewer: What do you say to a girl who asks if you are dating other women or calls you a player?
Dean Cortez: Women are always saying this stuff to me. I don’t know why. I guess I give off a player-type of vibe, but that’s a good thing. Guys oftentimes lose their cool when women accuse them of being a player or ask them if they’re dating other women. Because what the guy does is he rushes to try to tell her no. If she says, “Are you seeing anybody else?” He’s like, “No, no, no. I’m totally single.” Now, what is that saying about you, totally single? I mean, do you think you are making yourself available to her? What you are really doing is telling her that you have no other options and you’re probably a pretty lonely and desperate guy these days. So when women ask me these questions, I have fun with it and I never say that I’m totally single.
This is one of those things that defy logic. Ninety-nine guys out of 100 are going to tell the girl they are totally single, but you shouldn’t do that. Instead say, “Well, I’m seeing some people right now, but nothing too serious. I’m just sort of keeping my options open.” Now, if she says to me that I seem like a player, I’ll say, “Well, you know what? That’s kind of unfair, Cindy, because a player is a guy, at least, the way I think of it, is a guy who deceives women, and I never deceive anybody. I mean, I’m totally up front and honest about my situation. I’m having a lot of fun right now being single, but when the right girl comes along, hey, you never know.”
The man who seems like he’s in demand is the man that women want to pursue.